step by step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

逃避心理

认真看了帖子，还是不太明白开头段应该如何下笔。

例如下面这个标题，Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the govenment instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the davantages.

第一句应该写引导句么，介绍现状？还是直接抛出问题。如果是直接抛出问题，我就不知道后面两句（support sentences）应该写什么了。能给提供个范文么？
--我感觉你把首段和主体段的结构弄混淆了。首段是没有supporting sentences的，因为不需要我们去论证任何的东西。而事实上我们要做的是通过context的介绍，说明问题的重要性、意义、价值，说明问题的存在等等，然后引出我们的观点。

至于主体段，我们有topic sentence，而topic sentence里面有我们需要论证的controlling idea（即分论点），所以需要一批有理有据的supporting sentences来支持我们的分论点。这是主体段的写法（论证我们的分论点是合理的）。几个主体段在一起，就论证了几个分论点；而几个分论点论证好了以后，我们在首段提出的观点（thesis statement）的合理性就有了足够的支撑，从而得出我们的结论。

essay就是这么一回事，首先在首段引出问题，提出观点，然后通过几个分论点（每个分论点就是一个主体段）的论证来支撑我们的观点，最后结论（总结前文）。

另外，关于审题，这个标题是讨论医疗结构应该政府运营或私营呢，还是说的药厂？
--跟药厂没有关系。主要是要求你讨论私营的优缺点；至于国营和私营的区别，这个属于很宽泛的背景知识，你需要有一些了解才能写好。也就是题材你得熟悉。这是课外的功夫啦。

我用“裸奔法”，从就医环境、服务质量environment（私立医院要好些）；time&space(私立医院好些)；technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）

三个方面进行阐述，是不是就可以了。请赐教

--这么写也可以，但是私营的缺点你还得明确指出来有哪些。虽然当你讨论‘technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）’的时候，会涉及到，但是你最好用一个主体段来阐述私营有哪些缺点。这是布局谋篇的要求，从而可以应对题目的要求。

最后，这道题目的审题，我在另一个帖子也有过讨论的，你可以参考下：
http://www.localau.com/viewt ... id=49287#pid3890254

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逃避心理

‘大师’可不敢当啊  

你这个结构我见过的，在剑7里面有范文。但是我想说的是这个是属于那种‘无招胜有招’的境界了，别人能做到‘摘叶飞花以致伤人’，并不代表我们也可以。。。我们能做到的估计也就是‘形似’。

其实剑7里面，这个是test 1的范文，在行文逻辑上test 2的范文和test 1范文其实是很相似的。test 1比test 2的范文好在哪里？我觉得大概有以下几个方面（当然我本身水平有限，看的不一定有多准确，只是一家之言）：1. 用词更地道，句式更加老辣；2.段落结构更加好，相比之下，test 2的范文的结构太松散了；3.论证逻辑方便当然test 1要更胜一筹，test 1十分紧凑。无论是句子与句子之间的逻辑（发展）关系，还是段落与段落之间的逻辑（发展）关系做得都要比test 2的范文好。

但是，我想说的是，test 2的范文在布局谋篇和行文逻辑方面，其实是更好的一个参考。因为我们的水平距离test 2的范文更近一些。

至于说到本帖子的布局谋篇和行文逻辑的方法，虽然那是实实在在的‘八股文’，和剑7里test 1的范文相比，那是比较初级的东西，但是它的好处确实很明显的：1. 有迹可寻，有招可学；2.结构是比较固定的，我们可以更容易掌握；3.对我们的行文逻辑也有比较大的约束，我们可以有更多的精力放在提高行文逻辑上。更重要的是，如果你能很好地掌握了本帖子的‘比较初级’的布局谋篇和行文逻辑的方法，7到7.5是没问题的。

当然，随着我们在行文逻辑方面的水平的逐步提高，那么对于剑7的test 1范文的理解就会更深，而到时如果要使用类似的结构，那么也是可以做得很好的。

至于你的这篇作文应该怎么看？我认为着重应该从以下几个方面去作思考：1. 句子之间的逻辑（发展）关系 2. 段落之间的逻辑（发展）关系 3.几个主体段的论证与最后得出的结论之间的内在逻辑关系等等。当然在用词和句式方面也是有一些小问题的。

which is more effective and productive, parenting or schooling? This is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about educating their own children to become valuable to society

Undeniably, parents are [the] first teachers of children in this respect, [for example], when children share their toys [to->with] friends and try to help [mother->their mothers] do housework for the first time. In other words, since children come to this world, on a daily basis, mother and father [has->have] already given clues to children what kind of persons are valued by society and how to get respect from society [注意这个句子和前面一个句子的关系，不是那么的紧密；我感觉就是几个拳头用力打出去了，却不在一个地方上]. Therefore, a parent takes the unavoidable responsibility in coaching children to mature into good members of society, especially before children go to school.

However, it is the school where a child acquires not only academic knowledge but also good traits that benefit society. According to our own school experience, we can find plenty of evidence to support the view that a child could obtain what contributes to becoming valuable to society. For example, teachers would show what should be considered when evaluating an excellent student. And [句子开头一般不可以是And] in the competition of leaders in student unions, kids could know what personalities and actions would be appreciated by most of students.

I think, as with all questions of schooling versus parenting regarding cultivating good virtues, they should collaborate with each other, linking home and school together. When parents and teachers are united to do the same things, children can benefit [我感觉这句话是很值得改进的]. Without the support from parents, teachers would find out how difficult to correct the bad action of a child. And [句子开头一般不可以是And] without teachers’ cooperation, parents would not effectively instill high moral values to their own children.

In conclusion, parents should educate children how to become valuable member of society since kids are born. But it cannot be a parent’s job alone. Schools also impact a child a lot [用a lot不如用些具体的事例和动名词短语来具体描述是哪些方面] once children go to school.

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逃避心理

A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities and cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

With the sweeping trend of globalization, countries increasingly frequently，有点拗口 interact with each other in economy, culture and politics. This mutual interaction would probably generate large flux of migrants among countries, which may bring significant impacts on local daily life and social development. This essay will argue that [countries the world over,有点拗口] would profit enormously from the mixture of nationalities and cultures although they should be confront[ed?要想拿7分以上，这类似的错误就不要犯] with some drawbacks as well. The reasons for my position are as follows. [总的来说，very good，篇幅上稍微长了一点点，如果能更精练些更好了]

Obviously, both [nations->domestic economy,更好？] and local citizens [and前后部分与主体段里相应的论述次序是不一致的，这个最好避免] will->would benefit from multi-culture and globalization. To begin with, people who live with many foreigners may experience more cultures, customs, festivals and religions than those who only communicate to native residents. These experiences [definitely->are likely to] enrich their entertainments in spare time, which would make their lives more stimulating and colorful. One particular salient example of cultural diversity is Christmas Day of western countries. People from eastern countries these days could also spend it together, sharing happiness and fun with families and friends. Moreover, nations with mixed nationalities and cultures are probably more competitive associated with the fact that international trades and communication with foreigners require a deeply mutual understanding. As a result, more connection to person of various nationalities may frequently promote the social development eventually.

Admittedly, this phenomenon has brought some negative impacts on the society as well, but it is still under control. Firstly, some historical traditions or customs would disappear gradually as the cultural assimilation, and it may cause ethnic conflicts because of communication barriers between different nationalities. More serious is eroding local values, thus native culture seems to lose its dominant roles finally. Nonetheless, these problems could probably be [addressed->tackled] or avoided by correct guidance and stringent control of the authorities. At the meantime, people are also advised to enhance their ability of justice in order to reject the dross and assimilate the essence.

[By way of conclusion->In conclusion，简洁明了], it is the mixed nationalities and cultures that make it,前后2个it，不是很好。这个句子不够自然了 possible for persons to live more interesting and countries to develop more quickly. Although there are still several potential threatens to social development, a mixed population structure really deserves recommendation.

由于结尾段还没来得及推出。。。这里先简单介绍下吧：
In conclusion/To sum up/To conclude/In summary, although xxx， yyy （主体段的总结，同义转换，最好show一下你这方面很行）. Therefore/As a result/Thus/Consequently, zzz (essay观点重申，同义转换，similarly，最好show一下你这方面很行). [All in all, #%$#%@$%. 如果有信心有能力，那么在这里展望一下未来、合理延伸你的观点等等]

以上是结尾段的最基本的写法。

总的来说，这篇作文写得不错了，小作文好好写，你一定可以考出理想的分数的。Bless～

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逃避心理

帖子一楼有些内容更新，希望有用。

上周杂事太多了，所以没有更新。今天会继续更新本帖子，尽量更新多点内容进来。争取圣诞节前全部弄完。

逃避心理

从这一楼开始，将要介绍的是语言班阅读课程里面的内容。主要是介绍如何鉴赏文献的。一共会有五个部分：Module 5 (Reading 1) 至Module 5 (Reading 5)。逐一介绍了对文献进行解析的方法、区别和分析句子之间逻辑关系的方法以及句子之间各种逻辑关系的linking words的介绍及其使用。内容详尽，值得仔细研读。

Module 5 (Reading 1): additional Information from Reading textbook: detailing the body of an essay



5R1.1 Expository writing



5R1.2 Paragraph structure



5R1.3 The topic sentence of a paragraph









5R1.4  Supporting sentences



5R1.5  Concluding sentence



5R1.6  Linking sentences



5R1.7  Putting it all together



















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逃避心理

Module 5 (Reading 2): relationship in text - addition & sequence



5R2.1 Relationship in text - addition













5R2.2 Relationship in text – sequence






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逃避心理

Module 5 (Reading 3): Paragraphs in context - short expository text





以上说明了essay的最基本结构。



以上说明了essay和一个body paragraph在基本结构上其实是很相似的。

5R3.1 Expository text: context







5R3.2 Introductory paragraph in an expository text





















5R3.3 Evidence in an expository text



















5R3.4 The relationship between ideas in an expository text: summary







5R3.5 Organisation of the details in the evidence paragraphs







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逃避心理

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the government instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?

In contemporary society, good medical treatment is a fundamental demand of human beings. [Regarding places offering treatment,这样顺畅不少] There are two options for patients in most countries which are public hospital and private hospital. This essay will argue that the outstanding benefits of private health care are particularly worth mentioning comparing with its drawbacks. The reasons for my position are as follows.

Firstly, private hospitals tend to be more efficient and effective than public hospitals in patient treatment mechanism. Most patients are appointed to and then followed up by the same private doctor at [all->most] times who would gain sound understandings of their illness condition. Some private hospitals also afford special service of treating people at home, which would be particularly beneficial to elderly and disabled people. The sick in private hospitals, as a result, [would probably->can,这里would用的太多了，可以用can，could等等替换] receive the most immediate and appropriate health treatments. In contrast, unlike in private hospitals, there are far more patients in public hospitals because of their free or low cost. Consequently, the sick persons there are likely to suffer more [by->because of] a long time waiting.[这一段这么长只写了1到2个优点，如果题目要你论述private service和public service那个更efficient，更effective，那么你这个主体段是很好的，那么下一个主体段就可以写public service在那些方面做得不好，所以不够efficient，不够effective。但是，题目的要求却不是这样的，而是要你直接比较private service本身的优缺点，因而主题句过于狭窄了。换句话说，你这个主体段的主题句定的不好，所以你才需要下面那个主体段继续论述private service的好处。这也就导致了篇幅过长的问题。其实这个把简单的事情弄复杂了。你把这两段的主要内容合并，重写一个主题句，然后从新组织一个主体段，主要论述private service的优点就好了]

Further and more importantly, people under private health care seem to be entitled to receive better treatments, both in medical facilities and professional doctors. It mainly attributes to the fact that private medical organizations are mostly profit-making companies. To attract more clients, they have to allocate more money than non-profit hospitals to purchase advanced medical [equipments,只有单数形式吧？] and to employ excellent experts. In all likelihood, it is in this way that the sick could get more recovery chances.

Admittedly, private heath care is generally costly, especially to the impoverished and the unemployed, but its competitive and supplementary positions cannot be neglected，还是布局谋篇的问题，你的观点里认为private servie优点比缺点多，那么前面论述了优点多，列举了和说明了各种好处，那么这里就应该是让步段了，你应该直接列举并说明private service的缺点（不要太多就行了）。不要怕，你就直接列吧，不需要说这些缺点无所谓，好解决。这个你不需要担心，也不需要论述。这一段你就列几个缺点，完了。简单明了。最后在最后一段就直接得出你的结论吧。. The potential threatens of private hospitals could probably avoid monopoly on medical care and impel public hospitals continuously to improve their services. Besides, to release pressures of increasing medical demands and tight government budget these days, private health organizations are also well-advised to offer chargeable services to those who can afford them.

In conclusion, private organizations deserve recommendation in terms of efficiency, facilities and even technology. Private and public health care are also not mutually exclusive and both of them should be involved in national medical system，有些许离题了，因为你前文并没有论述到这点. [结尾段写的比较乱，你看我上次给你的建议吧。那是很正宗的写法，也比较不容易出错]

总的来说，感觉你对这个题目的写法不是很明确，信心也不是很足，布局谋篇方面略显逊色了。
（不过不要灰心啊，好的地方很多，表扬的话我就不罗嗦了 ）

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逃避心理

Economic growth has made people richer both in developing countries and developed countries. However, studies show that people in developing countries are happier than before while people in developed countries are not.
What are the causes of this phenomenon and what lessons can we learn from it?

In the past decade, unparalleled economic development has happened globally. However, unlike individuals in developed countries, most of the people in developing countries tend to feel more satisfied with their lives than in the past. [这个背景介绍太次了，回去改去。。。看来你对背景介绍还是很迷茫啊。。。推荐你看我一楼里大力推荐的另一个精华帖子，里面有说明怎么写背景介绍和开头段的；也可以看我的帖子里面相关的内容，不许偷懒啊 ]

It is true that the increase of the living standards make[s，低级语法错] people in developing countries feel happy, while individuals in rich countries are not simply satisfied by economic growth and they need more. Firstly, in the past, due to lack of food, people [who? in rich countries or in poor countries? it is very confusing] usually could not get enough nutrition and consequently lived in poor lives. But now, they could have enriched kinds of food including not only fresh food cultivated locally but also processed food produced remotely. Therefore, they have a higher level of happiness. At the same time, it is a totally different story for people living in developed countries. [Because] They are facing more issues spiritually after they have already lived in abundant lives. Due to stressful work and fast-paces life, the elderly could not get enough care from their own children who are struggling to keep their jobs or manage to get an excellent career development. So they miss the golden moments of the past when economics did not develop so fast.

[Based on the discussion above, it is time for all of us to think about what contributes to the sense of happiness.，这句话这么表达不好，还是客观点吧，直截了当的说：Understanding the causes of the phenomenon that 同义转换现象的描述, there are some lessons we can learn from it. Firstly,... Secondly,....，这个模式如果你还没有掌握好或者不认可的话（即：高质量的topic sentence+2到3个有利支持论点，每个论点后跟一句有力的支持句，这个模式），论证逻辑和布局谋篇会很难提高上去的。只有当你按照这个模式这么写的时候，你也能够有理有据，有力支撑你的topic sentence，那么就有了相当的基本功了。建议你在这方面多下工夫。谨记topic sentence是统领全段，又用于支持你的全文观点的，写作手法和技巧务必掌握透彻。其实是一件很简单的事情啊，切记切记] I think people should pay attention to spiritual satisfaction when pursuing material development. A person is not a robot who can keep working and earning money. Individuals need to spend quality time with the family and enjoy various ways of recreation. Economic growth could not necessarily brings happiness to everyone because stress and isolation comes along with it.

In conclusion, I believe the different feelings regarding economic growth reflect that economic development does contribute to the sense of happiness, but it is not the whole story, as spiritual satisfaction equally plays important role in it. [如果能做到准确概括全文（注意是全文）就更好了，不过结尾段一般由于时间关系，考场上结尾段其实不是那么的重要，当然不能天花乱坠地写前文根本没有提过的东西。这是我的亲身经历证明了的。]

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逃避心理

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


There is an ongoing debate of whether the process of globalization results in the fact that cultural identity will vanish. Some argue it is inevitable. As I see it, globalization is being intensified, and the main reason is largely due to the demands of economic development [观点不清晰，没有直接回答题目的问题]. In this essay, two aspects of such demands will be outlined[：->.不建议用冒号。。。]

One side of needs，这个表达不地道 from economic development is that the impact of dominant communication is massive to the minority cultures. Because of their instinct of pursuit to profit, dominant communication [only->违反tentativeness的写作要求] focuses on their own cultures to spread over the world instead of minority cultures. Hollywood blockbusters, NBA playoffs and [all->违反tentativeness的写作要求] similar television shows are filling the screens of the public, whereas, many forms of folk arts in different nations cannot easily be seen on television any more. The past solid [shield]->barrier?] between different cultures has been broken by the domination of mass communication.

Another side of needs from economic development is an influence from modern transport[;->.] an appropriate example is ,comfortable jumbo jets are extremely efficient and [tourists can be [delivered->这个用词不是太好，感觉对词和句式的把握能力还是有所欠缺] [anywhere->违反tentativeness的写作要求] on earth to their dream destinations in 24 hours. Meanwhile, the locals at tourist attractions are getting accustomed to the current “vibrant” lives rather than the peaceful lives in the past. They have started to concentrates on the money from the flourishing tourism, hotels, gift shops, drugs and alcohol have changed the locals’ habits and lives completely.

Admittedly, some may claim that it is impossible that all of  cultural identities can be lost, such as the history books and ancient rock arts. However, since they have become the history, it exactly means they are no longer vital and developed in future. [这一段显得单薄了点]

Overall, I take the view that the cultural identity is highly likely to vanish in future ,due to the significant influence from the demands of economic development and globalization is not easy to  hold back. [感觉还行]

注意：违反tentativeness的写作要求的地方越多，essay越没有说服力
  

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