为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

eihks623

截止目前已经考过4次雅思了,前后准备也已经一年多,但是作文成绩没超过5.5分,眼看7.1大界将至,心急如焚,决定通过论坛的方式督促自己每天坚持练笔,离3月19号的第五次雅思仅剩19天,因此我决定每天写一篇贴到论坛来,希望各位前辈同仁帮忙修改指正.

这是第一篇,立帖明志. 希望大家多多帮忙,先谢过了.



Writing1(2011-02-27)

Some people tend to take temporary jobs (they only work for few month of year), for they have time to do other things. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.



In current society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with an aim to enjoy their spare time as much as they can. Admittedly, temporary job can bring them more freedom, however, it also means risk in their daily life.



Temporary jobs are able to bring many advantages. Firstly, there are only several months need to work, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Secondly, you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you just need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job.



Admittedly, the income of temporary job is less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. On the other hand, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also needs to be developed continually. Therefore, at the same condition, it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment than others.



In my opinion, whether temporary jobs should be chosen surely depends on what kind of lifestyle you want to pursue. Different people have different perspectives, just like fish living in the sea and horse running on the pasture. You cannot make the fish live on the pasture, and you also cannot force the tiger to eat grass.



In conclusion, it is hard to say whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerit, and it depends on the personality and the character of a person.



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月光媚

lz
总觉得写的有点别扭~~如下仅仅是个人意见，供参考
Admittedly, temporary job can bring them more freedom, FREEDOM用的太别扭了~~
with an aim to enjoy their spare time as much as they can. 临工的就是为了更好的享受空闲时间？？

个人觉得你想论述的是临时的工作会有更多的空余时间去支配，但是这么写的话，似乎意思有偏颇~~

旁边小区

大概看了下，首先你要阐述自己的观点，你认为是好还是坏或是一半一半，然后用下面的段落来支持你的观点。
另外，在写作里不要用“you”，最好用some people和they
最后由始至终你都没有说你的观点，只是说depends on
说实话，这个文章没有6分不意外 希望LZ别介意

liwa1608

另外，current society非常chinese，最好用modern society，还有LZ的语法比较chinese，LZ可以多看看 native speaker的文章对句型和语法很有帮助的

eihks623

非常感谢给位的宝贵意见,自己确实很难发现自己的问题,希望大家多批评指正,多谢多谢.

miisdty88

说句实话，楼主你的写作水平是比较差的。当务之急是要 1. 尽量减少低级语法错误和减少chinglish 2. 弄清楚学术类文章在结构上的基本要求


至于如何提高写复杂句子的能力，如何使用高级词汇，暂时不用考虑了。等把以上两个主要的，也是致命的问题解决了再说。


怎么解决问题 1 ：
1. 回头恶补最基础的语法，像这种句子‘there are only several months need to work【从句用法错误】’ 和‘Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job.【只有状语，没有主谓】’，以及‘it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs 【从句主谓不一致】’，再也不要出现了，
2. 争取‘做到没见过的表达不要写，没把握的不要写’，那没东西写了怎么办？ 查字典（书上的或网上的）和例句。如，prefer的用法‘who prefer to temporary jobs’，如‘In current society’的提法，如‘at the same condition’，查查再写

至于问题2 ：我觉得比问题1还要严重，简直就是完全不符合雅思作文的写作要求。以下是我的一些看法

In current society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with an aim to enjoy their spare time as much as they can. Admittedly, temporary job can bring them more freedom, however, it also means risk in their daily life. [开头段一般模式：背景介绍，问题的引入，明确提出我的观点]【你这里写的一塌糊涂】

Temporary jobs are able to bring many advantages. Firstly, there are only several months need to work, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Secondly, you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you just need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job.
[主体段一般模式：对应开头段‘我的观点’，第一句为主题句，一定要对应或支持自己观点。接下来就是展开了]【由于开头段写的糟糕，没法将这段与开头段对应起来。不过单就这段而言，还算过得去，比较紧扣主题句】

Admittedly, the income of temporary job is less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. On the other hand, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also needs to be developed continually. Therefore, at the same condition, it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment than others.
[主体段2：没有主题句或主题句写的不好，不能很好地概况到后面的阐述，这段是写缺点呢，还是照应开头段的‘risk in their daily life’呢？没有由主题句点出来]

In my opinion, whether temporary jobs should be chosen surely depends on what kind of lifestyle you want to pursue. Different people have different perspectives, just like fish living in the sea and horse running on the pasture. You cannot make the fish live on the pasture, and you also cannot force the tiger to eat grass. 【这一段是空话太多了，不如前面两段实际，学术文章讲究的是论证过程，不是空想。你必须要实实在在地支持自己观点。我认为这一段可以省去，然后把前面两个主体段写得再丰满一些】

In conclusion, it is hard to say whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerit, and it depends on the personality and the character of a person.【1.开头段和结尾段应该照应，这里写得太乱了，没法评论 2. 应该明确给出自己看法，如果你真的认为‘it depends on the personality and the character of a person’，应该在开头段就表明，然后用2到3个主体段论证自己的观点，切记要紧扣自己的观点，你可以说一段哪一类人适合做temporary jobs，原因有哪些，再说一段什么样的人不适合做temporary jobs，原因有哪些。只有这样才算符合学术类文章的要求，不能天马行空，不着边际。】


现在是不是觉得自己写的文章乱七八糟，不知所云啊  

以上两大问题是很致命的，楼主多多思考下吧，最好对照着雅思作文的详细的评分准则，按照那个准则来写文章，准没错的。

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eihks623

非常感谢你详细的点评,获益匪浅啊,之前一直不知问题在哪,尽管现在还不是很理解,但是至少看到了方向

bzyt1613

我的作文是半年多才艰难的从5.5迈到6
运气是一个方面 水平也是一个方面

我大概看了一点你的作文
感觉你对于用词还是很用心的
但是我认为
词不够高级
没关系
意思得表达的不清楚
是有大问题的

观点摆明确
这一句和下一句之间的逻辑关系要清楚
通过适当的连词
整篇文章应高至少是通顺的
既然第一句说了支持这个观点
那么下面分着几个句子就要句句见血
不能打偏了

陈似太极拳

楼主不要灰心，加油写吧，每天写一篇应该也是很有帮助的。

不过注意要多修改，写作水平很多时候是在修改自己写的文章的同时，不知不觉提高的。只知道写是不够的，那更多的只是在练熟练度。遣词造句的水平的提高在于不断修改，只有修改的时候才会去好好的发现问题，并集中解决问题；对于文章结构的把握，也是要在自己写的基础，进行改造，才能真正理解文章的内在联系和结构的布局安排。

其实5.5到6的距离很近了，好好把握下，19号这次说不定就全搞定了

eihks623

看了你的点评感觉获益匪浅,之前一直不知道问题在哪里,后面我会在写新作文的同时,修改之前写过的论文,如果有时间欢迎随时来点评我的作文,多谢.