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[雅思杂谈] 第一篇大作文练习==

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发表于 2010-3-30 07:59:22 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |正序浏览 |阅读模式 来自: INNA

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Write an essay for an educated non-specialist on the following topic: More and more young people are sudying and working overseas and this will help to bring about greater international co-operation in the furture.

====

In current days, the number of young people studying and working abroad is greatly increased, which will undoubtedly bring more interational co-operation.



In about a decade ago, studying and working overseas is seldomly discussed in our daily life. However, during recent years, we can see more and more people are doing it. For me, serval days ago, I heard that one of my classmate in junior middle school migrate to Austrialia with her husband, and serval of my university classmates are studying abroad in American and Singapore. Also, the increasing number of migrate and education agent in streets, can show the popularity of studying and working abroad.



When people work or study abroad, they bring with them the culture of their countries. When they communicate and make friends with local people, the different culture exchanges with each other. As in Shanghai, foreigners who work and live here are learning to use chopsticks while local people are having lunch in Papa John's. As the increasing of exchanges between different culture, people all over the world are getting more and more open minded, and having more concern on international events.



Besides the culture exchanges, techniqual exchanges between countries are very common now. Many companies have branches in foreign countries. And many people who study overseas choose to go back to work in their motherland. These help improve the international technique exchanges. The latest technolodgy will spread between countries in a short time.



Further more, advanced countries and developing countries are gathering around to discuss how to overcome golable problems, such as climate, evenvironment protection etc. As time goes on, there must be more co-operation between countries.



===========

第一个改正稿。。。。

感谢小小白虎,albert-shen08,R08813的帮助,洞穿了这么多单词拼写、用错词组、用错时态、单复数等等等错误。 最重要的是,帮我指出文章立意上的不足。。。但是这个是先天缺失,不能通过修改来进步。。就像R08813说的:I would have rewritten your essay completely. 其实我也很想 rewritten completely,可是,关于这个话题真的不知道说什么好啊,有虾米可以说的啊,所以先改语法等可以改的错误,于是有了第一个改正稿。。。



====

Nowadays, the number of young people studying and working abroad has dramatically increased. This will lead to greater interational co-operation, in culture and technology fields especially.



In about ten years ago, studying and working overseas was seldom mentioned in daily life. However, we can see that this has become a hot topic in recent years. Take me for instance, our manager, who joined the company a couple months ago, is back from Canada. Also, several of my university classmates are studying abroad in American or Singapore. Besides, the increasing number of migration and education agents also shows how popular studying and working abroad is.



People go abroad to work or study, they bring their own culture to new places. When they communicate and make friends with local people, the different cultures blend. As in Shanghai, foreigners who work and live here learn to use chopsticks while local people have lunch in Papa John's. As people share their cultures, they will become more and more open-minded and pay more attention to international affairs.



Besides cultural exchanges, technical exchanges between countries is also very common. Many companies have branches in foreign countries. Lots of people who study overseas choose to work in their home country. These help improve the international technical exchanges. As a result, the latest technology will grow across countries in a short time.



Further more, developed and developing countries are gathering around to discuss how to overcome global problems, such as climate change, evenvironmental protection etc. As time goes by, there should be more co-operation across countries.



=======

R08813同学,如果有空的话,可以的话,麻烦帮我rewrite it completely吧! 我实在很想参考下这样的文章要怎样去立意,而不要这么肤浅拿例子来堆砌充字数。。。。

========

多谢R08813]



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24#
 楼主| 发表于 2010-4-4 04:04:54 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


收到! 很感动,很感激你,这样对待论坛上一个求改作文的帖子,我会仔细去读和总结,使自己进步。
BTW,我经常梦见自己神勇无比在踢球。。。。可是现实中我都没有踢过球。。


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23#
发表于 2010-4-4 02:04:09 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


这篇文章虽然未到范文的境界
可能会有少错,可是仍然值得参考
如果有人发现错漏的话便告诉我吧

其实学英文就像学足球
不论别人踢得多好,只是看别人踢还是不够,
更重要的是你要明白为什么别人踢得好,
为什么自己踢得不好,有什么地方要改善.

As a result of technology advancement, travelling overseas has become much easier in recent years. This results in an increasing number of young people studying and working overseas. It is believed that this will lead to greater international cooperation in the future. This essay will discuss how the increasing number of people studying and working overseas can lead to greater cooperation.

There are many students who choose to study overseas. Take Australia for example, there are lots of overseas students coming to Australia for study. On the one hand, these students can learn new skills such as better English in Australia. They have the opportunity to live with the locals and learn anything of value from them. On the other hand, these students will be a significant source of income to the Australian economy. In this case, we can see that both sides will benefit from those students who study overseas and hence it leads to greater international cooperation.

The same applies to young people who work overseas. If they choose to work in Australia, they will bring in their multi-cultural skills, such as the ability to speak a foreign language to the Australian work force. For instance, there are certain jobs in Australia require the candidate to be able to speak English as well as a foreign language. Yet the majority of local people in Australia can only speak English. This would be an excellent opportunity for overseas workers to get a job and bring about greater international cooperation between Australia and foreign countries.

To summarise, it is true that the increasing number of young people studying and working overseas will lead to greater international cooperation. Furthermore, people who study or work overseas will also learn new skills and benefit from the new country. Therefore, the government should consider bringing in more foreign students and workers by investing more money and resources.


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22#
 楼主| 发表于 2010-4-3 19:51:49 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


如果要我重写的话就不会用你的ideas
而是自己写一篇,跟你这篇文没有关连 你要我写一次吗?

========
恩!要的! 我就是觉得我写的偏题了,所以不用我的ideas最好了,那就麻烦了


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21#
发表于 2010-4-3 13:19:58 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


如果要我重写的话就不会用你的ideas
而是自己写一篇,跟你这篇文没有关连
你要我写一次吗?


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20#
发表于 2010-4-3 09:47:55 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


支持一下


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19#
 楼主| 发表于 2010-4-3 06:36:16 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


哦,经你改过读起来舒服顺畅多了,However, we can see that this has become a hot topic in recent years,连接的真好啊。。。我说得好生硬

======
汗颜,这篇文章立意太肤浅了,所以润色也只能是使它读起来顺滑一点。。。我今天早上一直在总结大家的评论,想完整的改一遍,可以越改我越觉得我根本没有读懂题意,所以我在查:到底什么是国际协作,文化交融和技术传播算国际协作吗?好像蛮勉强的,这样的话就根本是跑题作文。。。。

求ls  “ I would have rewritten your essay completely.”, 让我参考一下应该怎么去立意吧!


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18#
发表于 2010-4-3 04:13:34 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


I can only help you with your english. If I have to take into account the content, I would have rewritten your essay completely.
_________________________________________
Nowadays, the number of young people studying and working abroad has dramatically increased. This will undoubtedly lead to greater international co-operation. (Personally, I think this is too short to be a paragraph.)

In about a decade ago, studying and working overseas was hardly discussed in our daily life. However, we can see that this has become a hot topic in recent years. For instance, I head that one of my classmates in junior/middle/high school has migrated to Australia with her husband. Also, several of my university classmates are studying in America or Singapore. The increasing number of education agencies and migrants also shows the popularity of studying and working abroad.

When people work or study abroad, they bring in their own culture to the new country. They have the opportunities to meet and make friends with local people. They can share their culture with each other. As in shanghai, foreigners who work and live here learn to use chopsticks while local people have lunch in Papa John’s. (I don’t understand what you mean here.) As people share their culture, they will become more and more open-minded and pay more attention to international events/affairs.

Besides cultural exchange, technical exchange is also very common in many countries. Many companies have their branches in foreign countries. There are lots of people who study overseas and choose to return to their home country and they are able to help with international technical exchange. As a result, the latest technology will grow across countries in a short time.

Furthermore, developing and developed countries are gathering to discuss how to overcome global problems such as climate (change), environmental protection / protection of environment etc. As time goes by, we can expect that there will be greater co-operation across countries.


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17#
 楼主| 发表于 2010-4-3 01:11:24 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


其实我想在第一段阐述直接观点的,可是我想不到什么好办法好句子能表达同样的意思。。。于是就把题目抄了一遍。。。
恩,第一段后部分改成:which has made the international co-operation,especially in culture and technical fields, more frequently.     better?


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16#
发表于 2010-4-3 00:13:02 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


我在读语言学校时,我的写作老师是雅思考官,她曾经给我们讲,第一段一定要阐明你的观点直接点题。我认为在这个作文题目里:要求阐明越来越多的人海外学习或工作,将会有助于国际合作。LZ的第一段似乎只是对题目的重复,而没有概括出自己下面要怎么写。LZ应该再加一句,概括一下下面要阐述的两个方面,一个是促进文化交流,一个促进技术交流,通过这两个方面进而促进国际间的合作。
另外,最后一段应该再概括一下上面所写的。总的来说,就是总--分--总的结构安排布局。


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