大家有空帮忙指点下我的这篇写作啊

康熙邓 · 发表于 2013-10-25 08:48:44

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从来没有让人看过，这几天只是在练笔，唉，现在写一篇耗时很长，手太生了～

大家有空帮忙指点一二，不甚感激～

Someone think children should attend extra classes after school, others disagree. Discuss both opinion and give your own view.

People have different views about the extra classes opened for children. While some people think children should not attend such classes, I personally agree children should selectively attend these classes after school.

On the one hand, there are several benefits of attending extra classes. Firstly, only schooling is far from enough, because it is unlikely for school to cover all knowledge or skills-such as arts appreciation ability, communication skills and so on. Therefore, extra classes could be a supplement to the school education and beneficial to broaden student's horizons. Secondly, attending extra classes allows children more opportunities to interact with their peers. They learn how to get along with others and other social abilities from these interactions which are believed to prepare children well for their future. Finally, children tend to show their talents at an early age, such as music and painting. Therefore, taking part in these classes would be helpful to explore their talents earlier and fulfil potentials better.

On the other hand, there are some concerns about these classes. Attending them can cause less time spent on studying regular subjects in the school, which sometimes could lead to a frustrating result on their scores of school curriculums. After all, these are the first priority for children. Another concern is that extra classes are usually arranged by parents who may not understand well about which classes suit their children. Consequently, children may end up with a waste of time if they are totally not interested in them. However, this issue could be addressed if parents pay much more attention on what children really want.

In conclusion, in spite of some drawbacks for attending extra classes, I however argue, because of more benefits it brings about, that it is necessary for children if they attend the right ones they are really interested in.

fobq6714 · 发表于 2013-10-28 13:18:45

写作上7简直是要老命啊。

康熙邓 · 发表于 2013-10-28 12:55:08

嗯，谢谢，很中肯，的确是需要在一些搭配上多改进～

kitjkalpra · 发表于 2013-10-28 07:56:07

多用however做插入语表转折 . 'On the other hand, there are some concerns about these classes' - concerns, however, have also been raised with regard to attending extra classes.

It is not difficult to understand what you tried to say, the sentence structure/wording, however, needs improvement.