请大家帮忙看看我的作文(第二篇)

woedbot

考了四次，第一次7分，第二次6分，第三次6.5分，第四次6分。我需要考到7分。

感觉作文是越写越差，没有把握作文的真谛，也没有意识到自己的问题出在哪里，越是练习多了也没有什么长进。



今天发第二篇习作让大家帮忙看看，希望能够帮我找到我最大的弱点和可以提高的地方，先谢谢各位朋友了，尤其是作文有心得或者作文的高分的朋友。



题目：

Good health is a basic human need. Some people believe that medical services should be run by the government rather than by profit-making companies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?



作文：

It is widely known that people have several levels of requirements, and the ability to survive and to keep a good health is always the fundamental need for human beings. Whether government or companies should run the medical services is a controversial issue. From my point of view, government should play the dominant role on this area.



Obviously, profit-making enterprises have their own advantages for operating medical services, such as big hospitals, in terms of pursuing the best service quality. Facing fierce competitions, most companies must establish extremely effective mechanism to attract more customers, the patients in this case, and the high quality service is absolutely one of the most important means. As a result, people can receive much better services in these hospitals. In addition, in order to build trust with the patients, all the doctors in these hospitals are required to make the prescription as correct as possible, and this is the key to cure people’s illnesses.



On the other hand, government plays more significant role, which cannot be replaced by companies, on medical services. The most essential one is that, unlike their corporation counterparts, public hospitals and medical care centers aim to provide the basic and necessary medical services to all citizens, not only those in the big cities, but also those in the towns, villages, including very remote ones. Running such kind of service in rural areas is not likely to earn much money, therefore, very few or even no companies would like to provide medical services in these regions. Furthermore, with a similar reason, public hospitals can offer the same level of services with much lower price, because government invests a large proportion of the tax in these public medical care facilities.



To conclude, although companies have their own advantages in terms of service quality, I still believe government is the key factor contributing to the success of medical services to all people. And if government could learn the good points from those hospitals managed by companies, all citizens could enjoy much better medical care services in the future.

woedbot

谢谢你的建议。我也觉得这篇论述的清楚一些。至少逻辑比较清晰。
但是结构这个东西真的是我的软肋，我列数论点的时候，基本就是分好的方面几条，不好的方面几条。基本上没有想具体我的主论点具体怎么说的。可能我的主论点描述的有些问题。其实想表达医院还是应该政府来运营。只是描述这个观点的时候描述偏了。

woedbot

最后一句，是从小姨十天看到的，说最后一段可以提一些自己的建议和想法。所以我就给政府提了一些建议，呵呵。可能跟题目论述没有直接的关系。

woedbot

很好的文章，完全没有模板或者固定套路的限制了。估计我要达到这个水平还得有段时间。